• Annoying/ Restless Kid wanting to go on a venturesome weird treasure hunt? Checked.
• Another woman escaping from China to America and ends up at Chinatown again? Checked. (Why? I mean, is China that bad?)
• Titillating affairs of Cougars (Older women who date younger men)? Checked.
• Narratives of 'A life of _____(insert animal of your choice)______? Checked.

• Sex. Don't forget the sex.
• Children (be it aborting, expecting or wanting)
• Shopping; Materialistic women
• Men
• Weight issues (fat? thin? ah, what the heck)
• Women who have, broken the glass ceiling but still have short term needs (sex)
• Bitchy women and gossips
• Oh yea, pretty pretty book covers you hope will appear on something un-chick lit-ish

OH NO! Here comes the Korean-Boyband Fetish!

I'd never thought I'd become one of those Korean-Boybands fanatics, but here you have it, me being swooned over by Korean boyband, SHINee.

And i'm particulary obsessed with this member Minho. The nerdy, very quiet, very shy, tall, handsome one.

Yes, roll your eyes, you might say it's just 'one of my nerdy-boy fads' like how i went crazy over ROBERT SCHWARTZMAN (princess diaries) and even crazier with CHRIS BROWN! They all have the 'good boy' look plastered all over their faces, and seriously, when they smile, you can't help but think of pretty white dresses and ben and jerry's ice cream!

Robert's nerdy, but i decided to 'give up' on Chris Brown because he speaks like a prat and i couldn't understand him at all on Oprah. Seriously Chris, get an English Teacher by your side too.

Why don't people like Minho? (If you follow their reality dating tv series, he's the only one who hasn't been picked so far)

Just because he's nerdy, very quiet, very shy, tall and handsome? Though i think people usually don't notice him due tothe first three traits. Which i happen to find really attractive. He has a really deep heart and why can't people see that in him? He can be charming too (if he wants to that is!) Smart shy boys are cool too. So producers, please, give Minho more camera time!

And you know what can be even more perfect? To add to my insane fixation on this really quiet seventeen year old, fly him down from Korea so that we can all educate him. First, how to speak English, and second, how to woo a girl. Why is no one helping him?!?! Don't you know you can't leave a boy defenseless like that? How in the world is he going to seek the light and see the real world?!?!

And if you have no idea what the hell i'm babbling about in my obscenely girly post, watch SHINee's music video 'Replay' and spot Minho! He's the tallest, and maybe you'll find, really attractive too!

Brain: I love you, But I gotta stay true, My moral's got me on my knees, I'm begging please, Stop playing games

Poop: I don't know what this is

Brain: But you got me good, Just like you knew you would, I don't know what you do, But you do it well, I'm under your spell, You got me begging you for mercy

Poop: Why won't you release me

Brain: You got me begging you for mercy

Poop: Why won't you release me, I said you better release me

Brain: Now you think that I, Will be something on the side, But you got to understand That I need a man, Who can take my hand, yes I do,

Poop: I don't know what this is

Brain: But you got me good, Just like you knew you would, I don't know what you do, But you do it well I'm under your spell, You got me begging you for mercy

Poop: Why won't you release me

Brain: You got me begging you for mercy

Poop: Why won't you release me, I said you better release me, I'm begging you for mercy Just why won't you release me I'm begging you for mercy You got me begging You got me begging You got me begging...

For the past five weeks, I've been privileged to be allowed one hour of my time per week - during service learning, where we have to teach linguistically disadvantaged children how to read - to draw up a plan/ plans for my 'perfect child'.

Instead of starting BIG (modifying genetic material for the perfection of mankind), why not, start SMALL (inculcating values and teachings to our children)? Well, in every sense of the word 'big', you don't see adults popping out from their moms' now do you!

In the midst of SCREAMING hyperactive children, part of my brain withdraws from the cacophony of it all and reflects, 'If I had a child, I would first make him or her learn how to read, so I will not subject younger generations to such 'torture''. My child must be polite, must be good, must say please and thank you, must be toilet-trained, must know how to be independent. Must here, must there.

I am constantly bombarded with such questions, Will I be a cranky kiasu mother who wants her child to score 270 and above for PSLE? Better yet, have my child do Ballet every monday and Sunday, Golf thrice a week, Tuition for every subject, And Swimming every weekend. I will start planning for my child to enter Hwa Chong when he is in K2, and start setting up a tent outside Tao Nan School 10 days before P1 registration day.

What type of mother will I be? Will I home-school my children because of my worrying nature about what is going into their brains and what's affecting my child mentally? I'm not ready to be a mother now! And every time such 'grandiose goals' appear in my head, I get paranoid.

And don't get me wrong, I'm not defaming the art or morality of Service Learning - sure, I'm all up for it, but at times like these where we try our best to diffuse pronounciations of vowels into younglings, it's tiring. It's vexing and it requires a hell lot of patience. (MOTHER INSTINCTS!!!) Sure, let's all go help out at the old folks or clean East Coast Park or something. And did I mention we feel like mothers?!?!!? I want my child to enjoy learning, but who can demand perfection from anyone anyway?

A little too much thinking on my part now you might think, but hey, isn't that what Service Learning is about? Questioning and translating what you feel into YOUR own real life.

'__________, don't run about! Come and sit down and pay attention!'
'Alright, come and gather in a circle!'
'I KNOW! LET'S PLAY 'LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN''
'No, you already went to the toilet, you DO NOT need to pee again'

Although the children don't seem to express it, I think they kinda enjoy our company there - just like how when we were all young, we were so comforted in knowing we had a 'big brother/ sister' by our side listening and playing games with us, like they were our 'role models' and we looked up to them (maybe it's the height difference, you never know)

Okay. I seriously hate the fact that i'm getting stuffed with Chinese New Year goodies, on top of the granola bars and twister fries i'm addicted to and my overtly frequent doses of Ruffles/ Lays/ Twisters/ Cheezels. It's terrible to think you're indulging in something that might be cancerous to you like 20, 30 years down the road. As my mom puts it, 'TOO MUCH ARTIFICIAL COLOURING!'

I should be 100% Chinese now as a matter of fact. Well, maybe 70% counting in my lack of fluency and competence in Mandarin. You know, getting those pasar malam glittery shiny mismatching uncolourcoded cartoons of Mickey and Minnie Mouse and stick them all over my living room for good luck and prosperity. (In case you didn't know, it's the year of the Rat) Better yet - I should buy them rodents and get them to eat my rubbish.

That's right! That way, I can literally put the 'lucky-fied' animal to good use. Rat's eating your rubbish = Rat's chasing away or getting rid of all the bad stuff! Wonderful ain't it? I've got myself my very own Chinese New Year superstition!! HEE. And I demand to be acknowledged for. So all you chinese people! Get your rodents and kill them after - you do not want Singapore to be NOT OK after the festive celebrations! I remember my grandmother boiling hot water so she could pour it over the rats and hear them squeal in agony as they 'seek the light'.

I should be enthusiastically running to NTUC to get boxes of oranges. But the sounds of groups of young children/ adults singing 'Guo Xin Nian, Zhu Xin Nian' REPEATEDLY OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH UNNECESSARY HORRID TECHNO-MUSIC AT THE BACKDROP just ticks me off.

They should know when to stop, it really can drive one insane while grocery shopping. You know, when you're trying to concentrate on what you want buy, and you just visualise these group of girls in thick make-up, gel-filled hair in buns, and tassles flowing from their cheena skirts - it's not particularly entertained. And I swear that wasn't intended to sound paedophillic.

Maybe I'm still haunted by my K1 annual kindergarten concert. I had to wear this yellow dress and be a freaking firefly friend to the Ying Huo Chong Gong Zhu (Firefly Princess) together with 10 other girls and flap our arms around her, as she slowly wakes up and emerge from the flapping circle. The make up, the aunties arguing amongst themselves about which foundation/ blusher to use, the teachers arguing amongst themselves about which direction the Princess should face when she emerges, and the horrendous music. The lyrics went like this (in chinese): Firefly firefly slowly fly. And in typical Chinese fashion, it was repeated over and, you got it, over again.

And since I'm getting into the mood for Chinese New Year, here's a revision of the protocol we are supposed to follow:

Good luck
- Switching on the lights for the night is considered good luck to 'scare away' ghosts and spirits.

I haven't been eating healthily. Sure I eat a lot ( I REALLY DO, though food-stuffers would disagree ) and eat as much or whatever I want, but realisation has dawned that if I continue my at-least-two-packets-of-ruffles-a-week habits, I might as well die of heart attack due to clogged up fatty veins. Honestly, I don't wish to die that young.

And very recently, this addiction to large macdonald's fries has gotten the better of me. I can eat at least two packets at one go and have eaten 5 packets in the past week. It's like I get these random bouts of cravings for them, and it's not one that I can actually resist. I HAVE to buy them - as though there's this electromagnetic field that's drawing me to buy buy and buy.

And the oily crust of delifrance's eateries are not good too. I need kangkung, spinach, broccoli, long beans, cabbage. I need green. Money AND Vegetables.

And perhaps all the 'EAT HEALTHY FOOD' episodes of Oprah has been subconsciously drilled into my head. I don't want to think about my weight every time I eat, my weight has never been an issue to me, and I do not want it to be an issue because after all, it's your body, and it's your responsibility to pick up that determination to go exercise and live healthy. We should be free to work out, free to eat responsibly, free to live the life we want and deserve to live! Tackle that lazy demon in you and go go go exercise!

It's no use pinching your 'fat' tummy and complain or whine. Pinching it won't do anything. Trust me - it's scientifically proven. So it's not an issue with weight, but rather, an issue with nutrition! Nutrients: Proteins, Carbohydrates, Fats, Vitamins, Minerals and Water.

Lately, the term diet has been bastardised so much so that I'm going aye-yai-yai! For one, girls, STOP SAYING YOU NEED TO GO ON A DIET. It's terrible. First of all, 'Dieting' is not eating less hoping to lose weight. That's just known as torture. A diet that limits portions to a very small size or that excludes certain foods entirely to promote weight loss may not be effective over the long term. In fact, eating irregularly might just add on more unwanted body mass because the body just keeps on storing carbohydrates to satisfy the body's hunger pangs.

The ideal 'dieting' is one that takes into account your likes and dislikes and includes a wide variety of foods with enough calories and nutrients for good health. To me, the perfect healthy body you can have is when you actually have a mix of diet (not the lose weight type) and lifestyle (exercise, mind, body and soul). Eat as much as you want, do not constantly think 'you're fat you're fat you're fat' because you're NOT. Stop being melodramatic. Get your feet up and go exercise!

So! I sure do need lots of meat, fruits, dairy and vegetables! Then I thought to myself. Wouldn't it be nice to have whole-grain/wheat instant noodles with spinach-chicken flavour, no msg or flavourings added? It's healthy, has meat and fibre! Or we can have tomyum cod fish-broccoli macaroni!! How about sliced beef with curry and kangkung all in one packet!

Hmm, okay, then again, maybe I'm not cut out for the instant noodles field. I should just stick to cleaning and organising. (:

Tis the season to be jolly? Not for the turkeys this Christmas! There it was. On the dining table. Naked, Featherless and Headless and Cooked! And while setting up the bowls and plates for the family, simultaneously staring at that turkey, there I was thinking to myself: What do you call the sound the turkey makes when it's being strangled?

Squackling? Then again, you've never really heard a turkey screaming too. Except the head bopping rhythmic 'bok bok bok' sounds they make. Or is that the chicken? Either which, regardless of the sounds, they really all taste the same! (At least to me) They taste good with this focasia-like mushed bread stuffing and potatoes especially!

However, when talking about breast meat that is fried or boiled, turkey has almost half the calories of chicken. Additionally, it has about a ninth of the fat calories. Therefore, if you're a person who really can't give up the fried foods, you're going to want to head for the turkey instead of the chicken to save what you can on the calories and fat.

Now, this lifeless turkey got me completely fascinated with it's species. Of course, I had no intention of opening up it's body and examining the innards of this headless turkey in front of my family, complete with an autopsy report on it, BUT, out of the blue, questions on turkeys just flowed and flowed.

Is it a sign from God this Christmas? Are turkeys on Earth in trouble?

When I got back home, whoever I was having a conversation with was told about my first experience with a turkey, i was proud of myself. I HAD TURKEY!


And justifying the 'most-likely-to-google-everything' superlative Sara gave me on Facebook, I looked it up on the net:

Wild turkeys make a variety of sounds. Knowing these sounds, which sounds to mimic, and how to mimic them will help to make you a better turkey hunter!

Soft tree yelp - This is an early morning sound. It is softer than the normal yelp. Hens will typically make this sound either before or shortly after flying down from the roost when they are "just waking up."

Cluck - A series of sharp, short notes in four or five increments that hens will make often when feeding. It is a contentment sound.

Put - A sharp, short, single note similar to the cluck but a "put" is an alarm call. It means the hen has seen something it doesn't like and is sounding off the alarm. Do not make a "put" when turkey hunting. It is important to know the difference between a "put" and a "cluck." A put is typically a single note whereas a cluck is usually in a series of notes.

Cut (Cutting) - A series of sharp, short notes hens will make when it is excited. It's a hen's way of saying "Hey, I'm over here. Where are you?"
Some hunters like to utilize this call in a technique known as "cut-and-run" or as a daytime locator call. Sounds like cut-cut....cut-cut-cut...cut...cut....cut.

Gobble - This is the sound that gobblers like to make when either shocked into making it or to let a hen know he's on his way. Sounds like the word "gobble" said three times very fast. It often follows after being shocked into gobbling by an owl, crow, coyote, woodpecker, or peacock locator call. This is the turkey hunters favorite spring time sound. It is strongly advised that this sound not be mimicked because other hunters might think you are the turkey they are hunting. It poses a serious safety risk especially on public hunting lands.


Informative ain't it?? Now you and I let's get ready to kill some turkeys! (:

One day, while girl-scouting, I chanced upon a cave and met a growling polar bear:

My, what big teeth you have Mr.Golden-Compass-Polar-Bear!

Isn't it too warm for you here?

Oh, To think technology has advanced THAT quickly to create this (not imaginary or hollywood-fied) pixelated holograph digitally enhanced you. The web-cam must have cost quite a bomb huh! Thank goodness for Skype!

And oh! You can talk! GASP.

But wait, am I on drugs? Too much chocolates this season I guess. This.. me talking to you, is REAL? Hallelujah, I shall term this conversational skill a 'urso-tongue'!! (Urso for Bear in Portugese)

And I have to find this compass you say? Why Me? I'm only nine. Leave me alone. If I go back and tell the girls this, I'd be dubbed as a retard.

Don't argue with you? It's my fate and destiny? HEY! You'd think I'd want to be associated with a talking polar bear?! In the real world for your information, this would mean I'm mentally unstable!

This is just a dream right? Where's the realism in it? You're TOO WHITE. Have you seen the polar bears in the singapore zoological gardens? THEY ARE YELLOW, talk to Sheba. She'll empathise with you, besides, she needs a male companion.


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And we carried on this conversation from dusk till dawn. Interesting fella that Polar Bear. Forgot what his name was though. But I promised to keep his identity a secret, for he said if anyone knew of him, I'd be banished from this EXCITING quest to find the compass. So between you and me, let's keep it a secret.


Anyhoo. Have you been as fascinated with talking animals like the film-word has been? (Sense the sarcasm? HAHA!)

Alvin & The Chipmunks (they sing too!)
Angelina-Jolie-Monster from Beowulf (I'll just classify that under animal)
Bee from Bee Movie
Squirrel from Enchanted


And that's only for a month. Why this fixation with talking animals? I mean, yes, I do wish my dog would answer me whenever I confide in her, but hey, don't dramatise it hollywood!

Society is so circulated with images of talking organisms (eg. Planktons from Spongebob), that I'm worried kids of the newer generations will start paying Teddy Bears for psychiatric fees, or bring their Optimus Prime figurine out with them when they play hide-and-seek, hoping Optimus Prime transforms into a bus where the child can hide in.

I guess animals have a way of having this personal one on one relationship with humans. We psychologically engage with them and seek comfort and enjoyment in them. But do we need every movie to have a talking animal? No we can't, because then all the R21-movie-watching-horny-men will start to turn paedophillic and we don't want that now do we?

But let's just face reality people. Would you talk to a bee? Come on, you'll kill it first THEN realise it really did speak. And sensibly speaking, you'll want to kill it after you hear it speak! Who tolerates hallucinations? Don't spare these pesty insects! (As the pathetic muscular man puts it in the Dettol insecticide spray advertisement)

Please, not TOO many animals for one season. America's having a WRITERS-STRIKE. NOT a HUMAN-ACTORS deprivation. I'm sure there are more creative people in the film industry. And well, actors too. HUMANS can engage on a personal level too! ENOUGH WITH THE SQUEAKY CHIPMUNKS! Too much of it can cause excessive elation and hyperventilation in Children.

By the way, I am already trying to accept the fact that Will Smith's I am Legend is a 'Christmas' Movie. What with all the killing and monsters and loneliness derived from it.

We need to set the records straight:

1. Christmas movies are suppose to happy and inspirational.
2. Not too happy though that we need hundreds of talking animals bombarding us on screens. We get the hint.

OOH!!!!, AAH, TEE HEE, *Giggle Giggle*, AIYOH!

Those are, unfortunately, the sounds of the gym. At least those were the sounds I heard one particular evening at my club's gym. When in actual fact, you're SUPPOSE to hear sounds like URGH, HOO, HAH!, ROAR! HUFF! PUFF! from guys who are so fascinated with what they can do with their muscles.

Rich tai tais are lonely people I conclude.

Albeit their mahjong sessions, attempts to play golf (with long sleeve and long pants and beach-hat. Seriously, what's the point of playing golf when you're going to suffer in sweat and humidity!??! ENJOY THE SUN AND GET THAT GLORIOUS TAN woman! SHORTS AND SHORT-SLEEVED POLOS are IN), and the horrendous credit card bills they chalk up so ever happily; deep down inside, they long for attention by the opposite sex.

Note: Preferably young guys with ooh-la-la muscles.

I mean, even media exploits it. Look at Desperate Housewives and Ugly Betty and err, Bill Clinton! Their husbands are so preoccupied with mistresses and their work and counting money, and the poor woman only has the country club as her haven. And the haven has 'cute' young boy toys. Get the picture? Or maybe she longs for the attention she used to have when she was younger: Wanted, Adored and being Charmed. And when she finally hits the big Five-Zero, what a big blow to her when people start calling her 'Auntie' instead of 'Xiao Jie'.

Back to the story. So trudging on the treadmill one night at the gym in determination to lose all the flubbiness I've accumulated this holiday, I heard a faint giggle. Well, maybe it wasn't that much of a 'faint' giggle, considering the fact that I was blasting my MP3 away to get the adrenaline hyped up in me.

I turned around, and to my amusement, was the instructor-on-duty with a 50-year old woman.

I've never seen this instructor before, he was young, pleasant looking, with amazing muscles. Unfortunately, he was relatively short, so with that muscles honey, you look really compressed. And that ain't a compliment!

And throughout my 1.5 hour workout, he was with her all the time, tagging along like a love-lorn puppy. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't ogling at the instructor OR the woman. They seemed to be hopping around the gym machine after machine. And the gym has mirrors all around, so I could see their every hanky panky moves. HEH!

Even when she went to get water, he enthusiastically gave her a 'hey! don't run away from me' look. And she, was oh so smiling all the way. He helped her get adjusted to the medicine ball by holding her legs, even when she was doing sit-ups (which can be really, done independently), he had to hold her head for her. And she was ENJOYING it. Really! Taking every opportunity she could to grab his BIG MUSCULAR arms. (I.E. pretending she was 'slipping' or couldn't manage to get to that bend-your-back position)

Gosh, the touchy-ness drives me insane.

And as mean or evil as I might sound, I was thinking to myself: 'How much is she actually paying this guy by the hour?' I mean, really, does she need a young man to hold her arm and 'adjust her waist' when she's doing weights?


And right after coming home and turning on the TV, the first thing that popped up was Britney's 'Gimme More' video.

Britney + Flabs + Pole Dancing + Unsexy Butt + Wig + Digitally Modified Waist = God. Why the desperation. Why.

Women with too much money go crazy.

I don't wanna be a rich tai tai! So what if you lead a lavish lifestyle? Will my husband be there with me all the time or will he be too busy with work and money? In times when I really need him, he's in his office. GOSH, I want to grow old with my husband in some island or countryside or travelling the world, NOT be with a young squarish gym instructor and giggle like an innocent young girl.

During a nice family dinner, I experienced one of the most stirring history lessons I've ever had. It was like I had delved into a Discovery Channel special documentary on the Chong family!

I'm not particulary a relatives-person. I mean, I don't retreat at the sight of them, I just well, I prefer to sit down and watch or listen to them talk, seldom uttering a word amidst their lively cantonese discussions. Either that, or I'll go back into my room, minding my own business, yet comforted to hear their wild karaoke sessions and deafening laughter in the living room.

Maybe it's due to my lack of fluency in the canton dialect that I seem to be very distant from them, but hey, at least I understand perfectly; and mind you, it's terribly enjoying to hear my aunts, grandmas, and mom all engaged in a 'family story' whenever the family goes back up to Kuala Lumpur.

Back to dinner.

My dad just came back from visiting my grandma (My mom and I stayed back) in Malaysia, and apparently, my mom seemed to know more about my dad's family! When my dad was telling me stories about my 'yi-ma' (paternal grandma's sister), my mom will enthusiastically interupt and say, 'No No, you forgot some important details! This is how it REALLY WENT:... ...'

And in that hour, I found out:

Character brief: ('Mama' - my paternal grandma; 'Yi-Ma' - my Mama's sister)


My great grandfather wanted sons so much he went off with another woman while swindling all my REAL great grandmother's money away - she had three daughters. (I WILL SOOOOOO GIVE HIM ONE HELL OF A LECTURE IF I EVER EVER EVER MEET HIM)

My great grandma then went into depression, moved to Singapore to work for someone else, and left her children in my great great grandmother's care. However my G.G.Grandma couldn't possibly take care of them (3 daughters) for the rest of her life right?

So the three daughters went to work as maids/ babysitters for my G.Grand Aunt (sister of my G.Grandma), who was super duper rich because she married this bigshot Mafia guy she met while being a hostess at a club in Ipoh. - Or was it Kuala Lumpur?

My Mama and her sisters weren't all cinderella and abused. They lived the high life actually. Because the Mafia family knew a lot of people, so the three sisters went to party a lot and well, were well taken care of.

My Mama then met my Grandpa, had three sons and then many years later, her first grandchild named Andrea (: - although I don't know how my grandparents met. I have yet to ask one day.

Then my Yi-Ma, she met this Singaporean guy whom passed away due to Cancer some twenty years ago. So she got the insurance money. And after years of loneliness, a woman craves for love, and she got hooked up with this young SHAMELESS 10 YEARS YOUNGER THAN HER man who apparently conned her of all her money.

Her sons were party-goers, so they are really well, to put it nicely, screwed. No money left, she went to USA to work as a nanny for the Mafia's wife's daughter for about 15 years. Her eldest son tricked her into selling away their 4 room Tampines flat, and bought a two room CONDO, so she has no place to move into. Her second son married a China woman who ran away with their son and he's still sending her money =.=



NOW. Isn't that all very interesting? This is only approximately JUST ONE PAGE of the really thick 'Chong' History.

So the moral of the stories? NEVER trust young seemingly charming guys. AND LADIES, KEEP YOUR OWN PRIVATE BANK ACCOUNT A SECRET.

After dinner, I then thought, do all my relatives know I exist? I mean, I know THEY DO! How do they look like? What's their names? What are they doing? Are they thinking about meeting distant relatives too?

And my family's the only family based in Singapore now, the others are all in Malaysia, and we seldom go back for Chinese New Year and stuff, so I really HARDLY HARDLY HARDLY know my distant cousins at all, talk about even knowing my AUNTS or UNCLES. Who knows man, my cousin may be some Mafia descendant demanding money from some gone-bankrupt guy.


If I had the chance to travel back time, I would certainly go back to my great grandfather's period, and slap the flirt out of him. HOW COULD HE TREAT MY GRANDMOTHER LIKE THAT!

HELLO, IT'S YOUR FAULT YOU HAD SUCH PERSISTANT CHROMOSOMES WHICH BELIEVED IN THE FEMALE-RACE REPRODUCTION! My great grandma had nothing to do with it!


I would travel back to meet different ancestors. My relatives have always said I looked like my grandma when she was younger, maybe I have some uncanny resemblance to my G.G.G.G.G.Grandma too!

Then I realised just how our generation is beginning to lose it's family-history roots. We barely can speak our dialect, let alone understand it. And we seldom are able to complete the family tree should we start tracking. I do not know how to cook any Cantonese or Hakka (I'm half Hakka) dishes, I do not speak or understand Hakka, I do not know any Canton/Hakka stories. It really sets me thinking about just how much do I really know about my family.

I've decided, on my next trip to Malaysia, that I am going to start bombarding questions about my family's history, be constantly fascinated and maybe even bring out that inner canton in me.

A bus ride is meant to be smooth. It's meant to safely transport you from destination A to destination B without your parents worrying for your life, because they place your EMOTIONAL welfare and PHYSICAL well-being in the hands of SBS Transit or SMRT.

Our parents have COMPLETE trust in the company.

If they didn't, SBS would not be earning enough money to buy new 'covenient-for-the-handicap' buses, upgrade their buses, get rid of all the 'I LURBBE EUUUS'; 'LOOKING FOR LOVE?'; 'F*CK YOUs!' scribbled at the back of seats, and instead you'll see the roads filled with cars with parent plus child on their way to and from school, adding to the terrible inclination of global warming. AL GORE WOULD BE DISAPPOINTED!

The only reason our parents wouldn't have complete trust in SBS would be the thought of buses being blasted every other day by terrorists. And Singapore, being a SAFE country, will not tolerate these acts of explosions because they are terribly uncalled for and unbecoming. WE ARE A CLEAN AND GREEN CITY.

HOWEVER,

If we so ever do mention about the poor driving skills of the Bus Drivers, the reactions we get from our loving parents would be:

1. 'People in Country _________ have to squeeze and travel 3 hours to school with non-air conditioned buses! DON'T COMPLAIN'

2. I HAD TO WALK TO SCHOOL LAST TIME! DON'T COMPLAIN!

3. AT LEAST YOU MANAGE TO GET A SEAT, I HAD TO STAND ALL THE WAY!


Call me spoilt, but, I HAVE to complain. Well, maybe complain would be the wrong word, rather, I have to voice out my displeasure and unsatisfaction with my bus rides to and from school. THEY DO KNOW HOW TO TICK MY EMOTIONAL BUTTON = you'll just see my facial features and body language getting very sensitive and cringe when something disrupts my 'imperturbable circle of calmness'.


TV MOBILE
I honestly do not support TV Mobile. One, I AM TRYING TO LISTEN TO MY MP3, and I seriously do not need Chua En Lai to add his own lyrics into the songs and constantly go, 'YUM YUM, SOOOOOO DELICIOUS!!'

Chua En Lai: So Uncle, how do you make the goreng pisang?

Uncle: I FRY THE BANANA!

---

Chua En Lai: So Auntie, I heard your popiah is the best in town!

Auntie: Yes! My grandfather first opened this popiah store in Dempsey Road!

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Chua En Lai: [Asks a man who is eating laksa] So, you like eating this laksa?

Man: Err, [gives the duh! look] yar.

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Chua En Lai: [Points to a LONG queue] LONG QUEUE! What a popular store.

Second, you know how they LOVE to show 'GOTCHA' or tickle-your-funny-bone programmes. Okay, I admit, they make me laugh and snigger. But do you think the lady sitting right across me would like to see me snigger every 2 minutes? Albeit it's comic relief, but it's really embarrassing when the lady across me is thinking, 'CHEE KO PEK', and moves to another seat.

That hasn't happened to me yet, but I'm sure if that lady was sitting next to a sniggering man, she would freak and call the police for sexually harrassing her. And I seriously do not want to be associated with some mental condition, whereby I can SUDDENLY LAUGH AND GIGGLE to myself, and the whole bus has their attention all diverted to me.

Thirdly, I do not want to see a man shake his half naked body in his effort to sell his home. And this advert can be replayed up to 3 times at any one bus ride. I understand the grabbing-attention ploy, but I don't want to glance up to him posing on his bed and asking the passengers to 'check out his matching pipes'. Nice tiger printed underwear.


AUNTIES AND UNCLES
Why do you need to pat the seats before you sit on them?

Why do you cough and sneeze without covering your mouth?

Why do choose to spit on the pavements before you board the bus? (This doesn't only apply to them)

Why do you need to argue with the bus driver?

WHY

WHY

WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


TEENAGERS WHO LOVE MUSIC TOO MUCH FOR THEIR OWN GOOD
Like me! But there are some who really really love music so much THEY HAVE TO SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD - blasting their handphone speakers. I understand your need for self expression and that you want to share.

But have you ever thought of USING A EAR PIECE so that you can appreciate the bass and indulge in the band's instrumental works? I'm sure a true music fan won't BLAST music through their handphones because the quality sucks for one, and specific beats can not be appreciated.

NOW, aren't you just doing music no justice? KEEP IT PERSONAL, INDULGE IN IT PERSONALLY, we understand your divine taste of musical genres, and we understand your compassion to share it with us, but please, respect the track as it is, do not share a distorted muffled track. (For example, a Linkin Park song deserves a good bass to be appreciated, mobile phones DO NOT PROVIDE the bass. So the track sounds really cheap in the end.)

We need your help.

Get a ear piece, save the environment from noise pollution.

Please, invest in one generously.


TEENAGERS WHO LOVE ANIME
I awoke to outbursts of 'Dragonball Zs'. Three lower secondary boys were talking about their strong support for the anime. And in less than 2 minutes, I am proud to say, I KNOW DRAGONBALL Z - well, I think. I know that the death of a character spanned over 5 episodes. Erm, weird, but that's what I CLEARLY heard. I was sitting two seats in front of them, I could hear their WHOLE conversation about the DRAGONS and their BALLS.

That sounds wrong. Okay, about BALLS and DRAGONS. What an enriching crash course to DragonBall Z. Whoopee.


COUPLES WHO ARE IN LOVE
Love is in the air! Please control yourselves lovebirds out there. I know you find the strong urge to be physically close and romantically involved.

BUT PLEASE, NOT IN THE BUS! It's like, the least romantic place to do it lah. Find somewhere romantic, like, the beach, a candlelit dinner, a boat ride or something, BUT PLEASE, NOT HUMBLE NEIGHBOURHOOD-ISH BUSES!

Maybe I am in no position to comment on the wonders of love, but from a third person's perspective, I seriously do not want to look at this couple kissing and kissing right in front of me. The love, it's too much for my heart to handle.


STINGY BUS DRIVERS
When an EZ Link runs out of money. What do you turn to? YOUR COINS OF COURSE! Student prices are 45 cents. However - even though you are clad in your school uniform - STINGY UNCLES refuse to accept the 45 cents, they WANT 55 cents, which is the normal adult price. But I don't have enough coins!

And mind you, I have two buses to pay for in coins. And any normal human being can tell I am a student in my uniform. Unless I'm really this 30 year old woman who looks like a 15 year old, dressed in VJ school uniform because she's cheapo and wants to save 10 cents on every bus ride.


SENSITIVE BUS DRIVERS
These are the bus drivers whom get so excited or nervous when a red light appears or when a car suddenly zooms up in front of them. Their always on the alert and they tap on the break incessantly to prevent collision with the Toyota in front of them. Or rather, because they are so into hip hop that they want the whole bus to rhythmically bop their heads in unison.

I just had a long day at school. I'm listening to The Killer's 'Everything Will Be Alright'. WELL, HOW IRONIC, OBVIOUSLY, EVERYTHING IS NOT GOING TO BE ALRIGHT because the bus driver has no consideration for my churning stomach and nauseated brain.

Please, a jerk once in a while is alright, but NOT ALL THE TIME. And especially since I'm travelling the Eunos Link route - which is made of up traffic light after traffic light, I stongly suggest uncles to please please break or stop smoothly. Go with the flow.



The Bus Ride - at least it's air-conditioned, and at least I'm saving the world from global warming every time I take public transport, at least I'm helping my dad save petrol. So my emotional welfare in return for the assurance of human species in generations to come, I am willing to tolerate.

But let's be considerate passengers. CONTROL YOURSELVES. Please.